No.8098
Also, uh… it depends on what you mean by normal life. I had a job and a relationship and a social life (sort of) for years, but in retrospect I was still weird. I wouldn't go back to it, not because I get any kind of gratification out of being a bum (I don't), but because I only got a job to begin with so I could afford to kill myself… and all the time I was working, I had to be a nihilist. I hated myself, I worked to kill myself, and got carried away with pleasures and stupid projects because it didn't matter enough not to. The only thing temporarily keeping me off the "kill yourself" mission is the fundamental knowledge, the visceral understanding, that the people running the USA are even worse people than I am… which I had really forgotten until Biden & the entire political establishment went hard backing genocide and arresting students for opposing it. It's an understanding which has motivated me to work, and it's a shame that there is no pay for this work because it's certainly more important than anything I ever did professionally. I can't split my focus between this and bartending or something, prioritizing anything else itself is innately nihilistic and suicidal because I can feel the incinerating fire which burns people even far away and trying to focus on anything else only makes it worse and brings the flame closer.
Drinking is boring, but there are drugs that aren't boring. One or two, maybe three or four, most drugs are very dull or worse. I sort of miss the good drugs.